What's Going On

I haven't posted in about 3 weeks. Things have been up and down over here.

The doctor and I have been messing with my antidepressants. Why we were doing so is a long-ish type story that I'll skip for now.

We decided to replace my Lexapro with Wellbutrin.

That was a bad idea.

I quickly sank into the blah-ness of depression again. And it FREAKED me out. I knew I couldn't go back to that spiraling hole in the ground. I called the doctor and after playing phone tag all day (because, really, that's what we all want to do on a Monday morning, isn't it?!), after me sobbing to the nurse that I wanted my Lexapro back, the doctor said we would try me on Lexapro again, at the half the dosage of my original prescrip.

Well, silly me. I confused the prescrip. bottles and continued the Wellbutrin, thinking that I was taking the Lexapro.

Things continued to get worse. My brain was fuzzy, my attitude was grouchy, my temper was short, my desire to workout (train!) for my next tri was gone. This is not good.

Once I realized I was taking the wrong meds (DOH!), I switched back to my Lexapro, at the full dosage level. Happiness!

I was reflecting on all of this, because, really, this is pretty much all that I dwell on these days, and realized that I have been depressed for more than HALF my married life. I've been married for almost 11 years and depressed for almost 6. My dear, sweet husband deserves a medal of honor for sticking by me and loving me and encouraging me to do what I need to do to get better. I do not deserve such a man. Thank you, honey for unconditionally loving me.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't share all of this with the world. It's kinda embarrassing, especially because I used to be one of those people who thought depressed people should just "get over it and be happy".

But after finding a few friends who struggle with depression on a daily basis, I have realized how comforting it is to have someone to talk to about this. Someone to be a sounding board for how I feel, how I'm reacting, how I'm doing. So, if my sharing about this disease can help someone else feel more "normal", then I will share all day.

One of my depressed friends (really, we need to come up with a better name than that) referred me to a psychiatrist. I have an appointment with her in one week. I want someone other than my primary physician to oversee my meds and my mental state.

Will let you know how that goes!

My journey

I wanted to share just a bit of my journey into the world of triathlons.

After the birth of The Princess, I slipped into Post-partum depression. Months and months later, after trying various drugs and therapies, I thought I was "cured". Better, so to speak. I got on with the every day routine of having 2 kids to care for, and a sweet, hard working husband.

But I couldn't lose the extra baby weight from the last pregnancy. I tried running and although I was successful (by my standards, not anyone else's) I didn't like it. Too hard on my knees, and honestly, it's boring. And I wasn't losing weight.

I tried a personal trainer for 6 months. We only met twice a week, and while she was good, it wasn't what I needed.

And still, I hated my body. It was a constant thought of mine-how overweight I was. It did not occur to me at the time, but I was fairly obsessive about it, which is not normal. Not normal at all. I went to bed every night thinking how I hated the way my pj's didn't fit like they used to, and I woke up every morning, thinking what am I going to wear that fits? It took Scott to point out to me that my obsessing was not healthy, or normal. That bit of advice, however correct he was, was not well received.

It took several trips to the OB/GYN before I realized what he had been telling me all along: I was depressed and I needed to be on meds. So I started on Lexapro.

And an amazing thing happened: I was interested in life again. I was able to start something and finish it. I wasn't so moody and angry all the time. Now, this wasn't an overnight change. It has taken months.

How does all of this fit into my triathlon training? I was ready to begin exercising again, and I wanted to do something other than running (whether on the treadmill or outside on the trail). Now that I had "me" back (welcome back, me!) I was ready to try something new and challenging.

The opportunity came up for me to join a group of friends who were training for their first (or second) triathlon. We were provided with a 12 week exercise guide and I jumped in. It was intimidating at first, as my friends are the type of people who enjoy running marathons. I enjoy sitting on the sidelines and cheering on the marathoners.

I discovered that I love to swim. In the beginning, it was my worst event of the three (swimming, biking, and running) but now it is my best and my favorite. I have worked my way up to 1200 yards at a time during practice. 1200 yards, people! I could barely finish half a lap when I first started!! Look at me! I have accomplished something and I like it!!

The bike leg is now my worst event, but I'm working on it. I think most of it is mental: I get out there on the road by myself in a race and I start telling myself how tired I am, how windy it is, how hilly the road is.

Physically, I can do a sprint triathlon. Mentally, I'm still working on parts of it.

I'm currently training for my third triathlon. It has even crossed my mind that m a y b e next summer I could try an Olympic triathlon (longer distances than a Sprint).

I have not lost much weight (which can be very distressing if I let it be) but I have toned up and slimmed down. I've lost a dress size, and now feel so much more confidence in myself.

I'm a triathlete! Me! The one who was so terrible in sports in high school. I held the title of "Benchwarmer" for several years. Me! Who has never ever ever been good at sports, has found something that not only I like, but I'm good at!

Which brings me to karate. I LOVE karate. It requires a lot of practice, but it's so much fun. Karate also led to my latest discovery, which is not so good.

I look like SpongeBob.

Seriously. The karate studio has floor to ceiling windows and I was staring at myself during warm-ups the other day. And I realized that I look like SpongeBob. Large shoulders (swimmer's shoulders), then I taper off. There is no distinguishing waistline--just my yellow karate belt where my waist should be. *sigh*

So, I'll keep training for tris, and hopefully, I'll lose my SpongeBob-ness.

Update on Depression

Today is Day 11 of Lexapro. The doctor said that at a minimum I might maybe be able to tell a difference on Day 10.

Maybe I'm imagining things, but today is less gloomy.

Who cares if I'm imagining it?! Bring on the less gloomy!

I always compared myself to the TV ads (because, you know, TV is such a true reflection of reality) about depression meds and thought, "That's not me. I don't feel like a nobody, I don't sit on the couch all day. I get out. I do things. I don't want to do things, but I do them." But there was always a gloominess to my days. A heaviness on my shoulders. A "another day of this??" type of attitude.

Day 11 has not magically changed everything. But I see some light shooting through the gloominess. :-) Bring it on!

And the Diagnosis Is...

Anxiety and depression.

Which, really, explains a helluva lot.

My OB/GYN tried to tell me this last year. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because there was no reason for me to be depressed. I have a wonderful family, beautiful house, and am surrounded by loving family and friends.

But this time around, I understood. This is not a choice I make. It's chemical.

This time, I felt relieved to hear him say Depression. It made all the other pieces fall into place. I am NOT going crazy. I am NOT a bad mom. I just, well, I have issues.

And now that I am willing to own up to that, I can deal with it. He's started me on Lexapro. He said it should take a minimum of 10 days for it to work. I'm on Day #5.

My sleep pattern is now off: I wake up at 4 a.m. and have a really hard time getting back to sleep. A friend suggested I get up and write. She says it's a creative time for her, that early in the morning.

Good idea.

I'll keep you posted.