And the Diagnosis Is...

Anxiety and depression.

Which, really, explains a helluva lot.

My OB/GYN tried to tell me this last year. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because there was no reason for me to be depressed. I have a wonderful family, beautiful house, and am surrounded by loving family and friends.

But this time around, I understood. This is not a choice I make. It's chemical.

This time, I felt relieved to hear him say Depression. It made all the other pieces fall into place. I am NOT going crazy. I am NOT a bad mom. I just, well, I have issues.

And now that I am willing to own up to that, I can deal with it. He's started me on Lexapro. He said it should take a minimum of 10 days for it to work. I'm on Day #5.

My sleep pattern is now off: I wake up at 4 a.m. and have a really hard time getting back to sleep. A friend suggested I get up and write. She says it's a creative time for her, that early in the morning.

Good idea.

I'll keep you posted.

He texts, She texts

Does anyone else have this problem?

Is *seems* that dear husband's phone does not receive MY texts. OK, so my texts aren't hugely important, just "Stop by the store on your way home to get milk" kind of texts. Occasionally there is the informative text, "The Dr. said my bloodwork is fine," or the "I'm in Best Buy standing next to the Wiis. Where are you?" text.

Oh, he gets all sorts of other texts during the day: the Tiger Woods joke of the day, the invites to play golf, the ones where a client files a claim.

Yet, somehow, he says, "Nope. Didn't get your text. Must be something wrong with the phone." (shakes phone for emphasis)

Maybe I'll change the context of my texts (if you get my drift....) and we'll see what happens THEN! ;-)

Lesson Learned

Just so you know-

Don't EVER put a bottle of water in your purse. It might accidentally get turned upside down and, unbeknownst to you, start dripping all over the inside of your purse. Then, you might not discover it until the entire bottle has dripped into your purse, giving you your very own Lake De Coach.

I don't mind the wet wallet, the soggy Kleenex, or even the lipstick swimming in water. It really doesn't bother me that my favorite purse will now have a watermark on it.

It's my Kindle. *sob* Dripping wet. It turns on, but only allows me to read one or two pages before it starts automatically flipping pages backwards. The only way to make it stop is to turn it off.

And I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A REALLY GOOD STORY. And my husband's not home, so I have the entire evening to do nothing but read.

And now I can't. *sob* And my Kindle has gone crazy.

Just a word to the wise: don't put water bottles in your purse. Bad things can happen, man. Bad things.

He loves me...He really really loves me

Hubby and I went on a date last night.

House of Blues.

SuperDiamond.

They're a Neil Diamond tribute band, and nothing says middle aged married couple like going to a tribute band--especially a Neil Diamond band.

At least the venue was hip.

We questioned even going because SuperDiamond didn't take the stage until 10:00. PM. We're usually asleep on the couch at that point, waking up just in time for the weather. Then we stumble to the bedroom and go to bed.

Back to the HOB. We get there and the opening band was L O U D. And, without me saying anything, Scott found me a pair of earplugs to wear.

I couldn't have made it though the night without them. Sweet Scott knows me well enough, and such a small act of kindness and love made the whole evening great.

And, of course, SuperDiamond was great, too!!!

Peer Pressure

There is a new kind of peer pressure lurking on my horizon.

We've been dealing with peer pressure our whole lives. I distinctly remember one instance in second grade. The teacher asked us to raise our hands if we wanted to fly to the moon and be astronauts. All hands shot up across the room--except mine. I had no interest in going to the moon. But it only took one look around the room and one kid to say, "How could you NOT want to go to the moon? Everyone else does." I stuck my hand in the air. I gave in.

In my sweet little corner of the world, where your kids go to school is a big peer pressure issue. And I'm talking preschool.

But this isn't the issue I'm talking about. Both of my kids will be in school full-time next year. NEXT YEAR. It's not even summer. It's barely the half-way point of the school year. And here it comes:

"What are you going to do when both of your kids are in school full-time next year?"

"Ummmmm," I stumble. "Not sure, but I'll do something." (God forbid I just sit at home and enjoy my solitude!)

What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Hmmmmmm. The obvious, unstated issue is, Are you going to be a productive member of society or just sit around and do nothing all day and how could you possibly do that???

Getting a job, even part-time, is not an option. You see, I've never held a job that I really liked.

Retail jobs-hated them.

Teaching-better than retail, but still not my thing.

Subbing in my kid's school-again, not my thing.

Here is what I love to do: be around books. But, as I mentioned above, retail is out of the question, so no Barnes & Noble. I volunteer in the library at my kid's school once a week and I love it. They're not hiring, though, so I'll probably just volunteer more once next year starts.

What am I good at? Friends, family, reading. The kind of stuff you don't get paid to do.

So, what AM I going to do in the fall when my kiddos are gone all day? I don't know. I'm already sweating it, but I don't know.

Maybe I'll finally get caught up with my reading!

Hiding

I have found the perfect hiding place.

I'm not talking about hide-n-seek hiding place. I'm talking get away from your kids yet still be close enough in case something goes wrong hiding place.

My wonderful new hiding spot? The Princess's Room!

Let me set the stage: her room is the only bedroom upstairs and it is attached to the playroom. She wanted to move up there so she could have the playroom (and sister's toys) at her fingertips. She is a clever bird, this one!

I went up there yesterday to reorganize and declutter, as her birthday is one week after Christmas. I was up there for 2 hours, by myself, watching CMT and getting her room done the way I wanted it done!

And not one person bothered me. It was heavenly. It was quiet. It was clean.

It's my new hiding spot.

Karate is therapeutic

I had a bad day Wednesday, so I wanted to skip karate. After arguing with myself all afternoon, I decided I would take one for the team and go. I didn't want Reagan to do assessments by herself.

Assessment means we were being tested over a particular skill in karate. This time it was Stances and Blocks. If we passed, we earned a stripe on our belts. Reagan and I have only been in the white belt class for a short time, and while she learned the basics of Stances and Blocks in her Beginner Karate class, I did not (as I happily sat in the parent area and read my book for an hour, twice a week. Bliss!).

So, we've had one day of instruction in Stances and Blocks, plus the knowledge of Stances and Blocks that are in Form 1. We've been tested over Form 1, and we both know that.

This time we get to test as a group, which takes a great deal of pressure off of me. And we could take our time--if I was one or two steps behind, that was ok. Which is good, because when I have to do my Stances walking backwards, I really have to concentrate. There's so much to remember! Feet have to face a certain way, stomach has to face a certain way, hands fold across your body in a certain way, then unfold in a block or punch. It's kind of like line dancing, but without the music or the cute guys in cowboy hats. But I digress....

Reagan and I both passed our assessment, and we both earned our yellow stripe! We are now third degree white belts!

I'm so thankful for my kids. Without them, I wouldn't be participating in karate. As adults, we think we have so much to offer, and to teach, our kids. Really, they are the ones who introduce us to so many new things. They expand our world, and we are so much the better for it.

I left class Wednesday night, much happier (we both earned our stripe!) and much healed from my mess earlier in the day.

One of THOSE Days

Have you ever had one (or two or three) of those days where you feel like you're insides are going to snap apart? It might be something small that breaks you, but you know you're about to break?

I'm about to break.

Can't really give you a reason why.

After I dropped the kiddos off at school today I came home and got back in bed. For two hours. Watched JAG on tv. I love JAG!

I ignored the laundry, the dishes, dinner, errands, all of it. So now, hours later, how do I feel? Still drawn tight, like I might snap. The trick is to see if I can get through karate class without crying in front of the kids and the college-age instructor.

I'm blaming this on PMS. Ever had one of those days? You're just not sure you're gonna make it through without yelling at someone? It will be a test of my strength and will to make it through the next two hours. Will let you know.

Another Lesson Learned in Karate

Karate is done in the bare feet.

After my first lesson, I went home and changed my toenail polish--it was too chipped and dull for me to be showing my bare toes in class twice a week.

After today's lesson, I am going to start using lotion on my feet every day. We did a lot of stretching today, and that gives me time to think. And time to notice my feet.

They're dry and they need to be loved on a bit more. I was silently praying that we wouldn't do any stretching with partners; I didn't want someone holding my ankles while I did sit-ups. Ack! They might notice my dry, scaly feet.

How sad is this? I am obsessing over other people noticing my dry feet. But if I had to hold someone's ankles for 35 sit-ups, I would notice.

So, tomorrow I will take care of my feet before I go to bed. And tomorrow, I will call and make an appointment for a pedicure.

Funny lessons learned in karate today.

The Princess Turns 5

The Princess, our youngest, turned 5 on New Years Day.

Yes, a New Year's baby. Which really isn't as cool as it might sound (at least, not for mom and dad). She is always up early on her birthday, which means no sleeping in. And if we have a gift that needs to be assembled, doing so on New Years Eve, with bubbly in hand is not a good idea.
So, as tribute to the Princess, I wanted to blog about all the things she has taught me, lessons learned, the joy she brings to our family, the love she spreads.
Then last week happened and the real world slapped me in the face. Amanda had to go to the doctor and she was prescribed some cough medicine with a decongestant in it. My sweet, loving child turned into a monster. Little did we know, at the time, that it was the medicine causing the Jekyll/Hyde transformation.

We just knew we were going through our own little version of hell. The Princess suddenly had a very short fuse, argued constantly with everyone, and was incredibly rude and disrespectful to all.

At first I blamed the holidays: too much stimulation, too little structure, too much time with her sister.

I panicked. I went to WebMD and searched kids and bipolar issues, kids and ADHD. My searches showed me that she did not have any of the symptoms, as I knew, deep down.

I cried, I prayed, I asked my best friend to pray.

I wracked my brain to figure out what had changed in our family in the past week to cause her to behave so erratically. And it hit me: her meds.

I grabbed the prescription bottle and went back to WebMD and looked up her decongestant. Sure enough, "causes anxiety and agitation in young children". Whoa.

We stopped giving her the meds, kept her at home, and kept her quiet and calm for the next day. HUGE improvement!!

We have our sweet little princess back!

What an ordeal. So glad this past week is over!

Onward with 2010!